End-of-the-day thoughts

I'm irked. Why? Well, that's a good question. Maybe because my
computer froze up on me. Maybe because I have to get up and go to work
tomorrow. Maybe because there are people I'd like to talk to but can't
get in touch with them. But basically it's because living up to my
name is very hard. My parents named me "Joy" and my Heavenly Father
named me after His Son. But I look inside and don't see the joyfulness
that ought to be there in my responses to things. Instead I see a
worrier and someone who focuses on the hard things until they become
blown out of proportion. I look inside and I don't see the
faithfulness of Christ: I see someone who wants to give up, someone
who is ready to say "I can't do it! Don't talk to me, don't touch me,
just leave me alone! I'm done trying" and stomp off to her room. And
I'm disappointed in myself. I'm disappointed because I am not living
up to the hopes I have for the person I want to be. I'm disappointed
because I'm not drawing my strength from the Source of all joy and
faithfulness. But sometimes it's easier to run away than to run to
that Source because what if I've let Him down and what if my soul is
too cracked to hold the water He gives me to quench my thirst? What if
I can't find Him? What if He doesn't have anything for me tonight?
What if He asks me to do something I don't want to or can't do?

As I write this, a little hopeful voice (absurdly hopeful at times)
begins to whisper to me that I know these "what-ifs" aren't really
true. And I dare to lift my thoughts to glance at Him to see if He
will accept me as I am tonight. I begin to look at Him to see if He
will let me rest against His shoulder and pour out my troubles to Him
(troubles that overwhelm me because they disappoint and sicken me).
And I begin to calm down inside and remember that He is everything I'm
not, and that He somehow isn't irked with me for not being all that He
is yet.

Actually, I remember with a lop-sided grin, today was a pretty good
day once I got it going. I didn't get everything done that probably
should have gotten done, but it was still a good day. A couple
students accomplished a whole lot of stuff--stuff I really didn't have
anything much to do with, but they got it done and did it well! They
accomplished more than they thought they could, and I was so very
excited about it! And I was able to pick up donuts today for our
school "store" which is working out pretty well so far. That was fun.
And they had football-shaped ones. That was fun, too.

So was the late afternoon/early evening when I went to a high school
football game that one of the students I tutor at Sylvan was supposed
to play in. I hadn't gotten very much info from him--nor very clear,
for that matter, I began to realize. I had thought I knew what school
it was that he played for and where it was, but a conversation with a
co-worker made me doubt even that! A friend helped me locate the
school on a map, and I headed there hoping I was going to the right
place. Finding it was fun--not even any u-turns this time (thought
those can be fun, too). And there was a football game going on. I
parked and grabbed my purse, suddenly realizing that I was doing
something I would normally consider slightly crazy--going to watch a
game I know little about at a place where I know none of the people.
Did I really have the nerve to walk up to the stands and find a place
to sit amongst all those strangers? And then I was doing it, revelling
in the novelty of it and suddenly bold (not brassy, just bold).
And--even better--in spite of my late arrival, I hadn't missed as much
as I had thought I would: the game was still in the 3rd quarter, and
my side was winning. They didn't win in the end, though they almost
did. But watching was fun anyway. I think I like football after
all--as long as I know someone who is playing or has an interest in
it.

The end of the game was marked by rainfall--starting with sparse drops
that began to accelerate. My umbrella had been left in the car, and I
wasn't about to go get it. "Besides," I thought, "how many chances
will I have to watch a football game in the rain on a warm day? This
is great!!!" I held my hand over my eyes to shield my glasses, but by
the end of the game (overtime, in fact) I was starting to be drenched.
As I headed back towards my car (parked in the farthest lot away!),
the rainfall became a deluge, soaking the top of my hair and dripping
into my eyes. I could feel my eyes stinging from the running mascara,
but I couldn't help laughing at the lovely craziness of the whole
experience. I tumbled into my car laughing my head off, thoroughly
exhilarated, and dripping wet. No towel? Dry off with napkins courtesy
of Wendy's. Laughing, laughing, laughing, and loving the fact that all
of this was happening.

Yeah, today was a good day.

It's nearly 12. That's early for me to go to bed, but I need to start
getting to bed earlier. Tonight is a good night to start. But I have a
few things to do first . . .